I’ve always found that to be a very good statement. Certainly not platitudinous like some words I’ve been getting. And a good warning as well, because when things get bad: you can just sort of stop and wallow in the badness, until that just becomes the way things are. You condition yourself to look around at hell and say, “Hey. It’s not so bad. Climate’s nice.” and before you know it, you’re all settled in, living in hell, trying to convince yourself it’s heaven.
So, we’ve re-evaluated our plans. We are still going to move to St. Paul. M’s getting that doctorate if I have to do it myself. 😉 Besides: we’ve already tendered our resignations, and our bishop has set a precident of not allowing resignations to be withdrawn, and when we’re completely honest and not reacting from a place of fear and panic: we don’t WANT to be here any more than we did 10 days ago when everything was going to end happily ever after and tied up with a big pink bow. We don’t regret leaving, but we’re scared that we don’t know what comes next.
Which is why I’ve gone through the last day muttering, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet.” It’s not a searchlight, or a flashlight, or even one of those really annoyingly bright new blue/white headlight that some cars have (gads, I hate those things). It’s just a small, flickering lamp, showing us where to set our feet next. The rest of the journey is still in shadow, something for God to know and for us to find out. And so I’m trying to trust that. I wish I could still just fling myself out there, trusting God to catch me and take me where I need to go…but somehow I’ve lost that. I’ve grown cautious. I’ve grown wary. And, to be perfectly honest: I’ve not been that impressed with the journey God has had us on so far. I mean: Kansas?! What the fuck?
Anyway. I was saying we’d reevaluated our plans. We have. I spent all day yesterday on the internet, trolling for jobs. I found several that I could do. I found several that I could do, and probably really enjoy. I found jobs that I could do and probably enjoy more than I like being a pastor. But something in me won’t let me give up on finding a church just yet. There’s a still small voice, telling me to wait. To keep going after churches. There’s a church in Wisconsin that’s only 50 miles from St. Paul…they’ve been looking for a pastor for about 15 months. As long as Linnea has been alive. There’s something about this church…it caught my eye the first time I saw it months ago. I keep going back to see if their “ad” is still there. It was, so I contacted them, to see if the position has been filled yet. I also contacted a church in St. Paul who is looking for a Youth and Family Education Coordinator. It wouldn’t be a pastoral position, but that would be sort of nice…I’d still get to work in the church, I’d get to work with the kids and the young adults and the thirtysomethings and young families…but I’d work Monday-Friday for the most part, and not have to deal with any of the 24/7 crap pastors have to. I also contacted a church who is looking for a Senior pastor who is passionate about preaching (yep! Check!) and who is a good ‘staff administrator’ (ummmm…I’m not sure). The Senior is probably reaching a little bit beyond my experience, but hey: I’m desperate.
I also found an adult entertainment firm who is looking for an attractive woman for easy work, which is answering phones and being a Girl Friday. Poppy thinks I should be a Girl Sunday. So, you know, I’m keeping that one in my back pocket. 😉 Everybody’s got to dream.