It’s from England, it must be classy! March 31, 2005

I stole this from Zoe, who stole this from Kara, who stole it from someone else. There are no original questions, only slightly original answers. 😉

LAYER ONE: Just the Facts
Real name: Kristen
Birth date: 02/27/75–Same as Chelsey Clinton and Liz Taylor
Birthplace: Spokvegas
Current Location: Middle of Nowhere, Kans-ass
Eye Color: Blueish-green with a thread of brown around the pupil.
Hair Color: Blonde, more or less.
Righty or Lefty: Lefty
Zodiac Sign: Pisces.

LAYER TWO: On The Inside
Your heritage: Mostly Finnish and German, but I’ve got a good dash of Bohemian in there to keep me spicy!
Shoes you wore today: When I HAD to wear shoes: suede clogs. Otherwise: bare foot.
Your weakness: Smoked salmon and Tillamook extra sharp cheddar cheese
Your fears: Losing Linnea.
Your perfect pizza: Medium thick crust, with black olives and mushrooms. Yum!

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your most overused phrase: Dude, fuck, or sweet!
Your thoughts first waking up: Um, if Linnea woke me up: Good God, child! Can’t you pleeeeeeze sleep though the night?! If Linnea didn’t wake me up: Good God! I hope nothing happened to Linnea!
Your best physical feature: I have spectacular skin, and I’ve got huge eyes. I’ve also been told I have dangerous lips…I decided to take that as a compliment.
Your bedtime: Usually between 10:30 and 11…depends on what’s happening on Leno.
Your most missed memory: Um, if I miss it, how do I know?

LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
Iced Tea or Soft Drink: Iced Tea
Soup or Salad: Salad
Single or group dates: Depends. Sometimes it’s fun to go out in a group, sometimes it’s better to be alone.
Slip-ons or Lace-ups: Slip ons. But better yet is no shoes at all.
Fruity or Herbal: Herbal.
Jell-O or Pudding: Mm, neither, actually.
Coffee or Hot Chocolate: Coffee

LAYER FIVE: Do You?
Smoke: No. Other than a couple of times when I smoked a bunch of cigarillos with a girlfriend and we got totally buzzed and drank too much wine and when we woke up the next morning we both tasted like bar rag. And, I’ve taken puffs of M’s Cubans.
Cuss: Fuck, yeah!
Sing: I sing a lot to Linnea. She’s the only one I can sing in front of without just wanting to die of embarassment–even though I’ve been told I’ve a lovely voice.
Take a shower everyday: Pretty much.
Still talk to your first love: No. He is dead to me.
Like your job: Not especially. I hope to like it more in a different environment.
Like(d) high school: I did. It was a lot of fun. I wouldn’t want to do it again or anything, but for a one-time thing: it was good.
Get motion sickness: Not usually.
Think you’re attractive: Depends. Sometimes I think I’m freaking hot, other times I think M ought to trade me in for a newer model.
Think you’re obsessive-compulsive about anything: Yes. No. Yes. No. Mostly No.
Get along with your parents: Absolutely. I adore them.
Like thunderstorms: Yes, yes, yes!!!! Spring severe weather season is coming, and while I’m NOT looking forward to all the tornado hooplah, I am SO looking forward to some good thunderstorms.
Play an instrument: Snort. I have a friend who would answer “skin flute”. But I played violin.

LAYER SIX: In the past month have you…
Spent more than $100 on a single item that wasn’t an obigatory item? No. Not on a single item.
Had a verbal argument where you screamed at someone: No, not in the past month.
Purchased Cottage Cheese: Ew, NO.
Surprised someone for a special event: No. I wish I could say, “Hell yeah!” But I can’t.
Purchased a new CD: Yes. Willie Nelson’s “Songs”.
Gone to the mall: Yep. In fact, if I stopped indulging in retail therapy, I could probably afford actual therapy.
Purchased an MP3: Dude. I just figured out how to blog. Needless to say: MP3’s are a bit beyond my technological savvy.
Sent your resume out for a new job: Not a resume, but I’ve submitted paperwork.
Been on stage: Does a pulpit count as a stage?
Moved: No.
Had lunch with a group of ten or more: Yes. It was a funeral lunch.
Had a cold: Yes.
Changed your hairstyle: Well, it’s finally long enough for me to do “long styles” with it. Does that count?
Taken a vacation: God, no. I wish. I really really really wish.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever…
Played a game that required removal of clothing: You mean other than foreplay?
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Snort. Um, yeah.
Been caught in a lie: I don’t recall. I’m sure I have been, but I don’t remember a specific time.
Been called a tease: Yes. By the aforementioned first love who is dead to me now.
Caused a car wreck: Yes.
Shoplifted: No.

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
Age where you believe your life really began (if not yet, give a guess): I think I realized all the potential that life had to offer when I met M when I was 23. Life absolutely got better from the moment I laid eyes on him, and even the shit parts since have been better than the good stuff that happened before.
Do you have children, if so, how many and what are their ages: Yes, Linnea. She’s 14 months and a day.
What do you really want to be when you grow up: That’s a million dollar question. Maybe a writer. Maybe a professor.
Where would you like to retire to: Oregon Coast or Texas Hill Country.
One fear about getting older: Losing myself–my memories, my sense of self.

LAYER NINE: The Opposite Sex
Eye color: Don’t care.
Hair color: Funny fact. All the blonds I dated ended up being enormous azzholes. All the brunettes (can a guy be a brunette?) treated me far better than I deserve. Obviously, what hair M has left is brown.
Short or long hair: Doesn’t really matter. M has no hair, and I like him fine.
Height: Doesn’t matter.
Best first date location: Gads. Our first date was at a zoo. We held hands and watched the orangutans have oral sex. That was pretty good.

LAYER TEN: In The Numbers…
Number of jobs I’ve had in my life: Eight. My very first job was to dress up as Frosty the Snowman and give candy out to children at a drugstore. That freaking SUCKED.
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3
Number of CDs that I own: No clue. Way more than I actually listen to.
Number of piercings: 3, though I wish now it was only two.
Number of tattoos: None, although I have a deep, secret yearning to get one. If I ever stumble on the perfect design, I’ll probably get one.
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper? No clue. More than I can count.
Number of scars: 2 on my knees.
Number of things in my past that I regret: I regret treating Dennis Eller monstrously in the ninth grade–he was so good to me, and I ended up being a total bitch to him. I regret not speaking out more. I regret letting people bully me into doing things because I am strong.

I can SEE! I can SEE!

So it’s been a shamefully long time since I’ve been to an optometrist–I’m thinking like maybe six years? And I’ve got terrible vision, so it’s not like I don’t NEED to have my optometrist on speed dial or anything. But with all the fun of not having insurance, etc. it got pushed on the back burner.

But I’ve been having trouble seeing lately…some headaches…night vision has been lousy (not good for someone who drives at night all the freaking time)…plus my final pair of disposable contacts wasn’t fitting right and driving me crazy. So I took the time to find an eye doctor that was on our insurance plan and made an appointment for this morning.

Two hours and $500 later, I came out of there with brand spanking new contacts (whoo-hoo!) and having ordered a kick-ass pair of glasses (I think they’re Vera Wang frames…la-di-da!). That was a huge chunk of moolah to lay down, but I got like six pairs of contacts, a year’s worth of solution, free office visits, and my designer glasses for all that, so I figure: *gulp* Not too shabby. Especially if it means I can get rid of my old, round, coke bottle glasses that I have been wearing for almost 10 years.

It’s just amazing. You don’t realize how much you can’t see, until suddenly you can see again. If there were leaves on the trees, I’d be able to see individual leaves. The doc got me to 20/15 correction…not bad, considering that I’m legally blind without correction.

PLUS: M paid me $100 to put away all my clean clothes, and all Linnea’s clean clothes. I LOATHE putting clothes away. I don’t know why. I always have, though. I think it’s the biggest “problem” M faces in living with me. He can’t freaking put a new trash bag in the trash can (he just stacks the garbage that won’t fit in the can on the counter beside the can) and I don’t put away my clean laundry. So I took him up on his offer. He thinks he got the better end of the deal. Sucka. What he taught me is that if I let the clean clothes sit in hampers long enough: I make money. Double Sucka! 😉

Questions for Jess, and Cyn, and Sal March 27, 2005

I feel like that dude from “Inside the Actor’s Studio”. You know–James Lipton who always asks those five questions from the “amazing, splendiferous Bernard Piveau”? I totally watch that show. But Will Ferrell’s skit on SNL about it actually makes me snort so hard it hurts, it’s so funny.

Please note that while I was sorely tempted, not one of the following questions is “What is your favorite curse word?”

Questions for Jess

1. As a writer, I know that you savor the flavor of words. What is your favorite word?

2. What book could you not live without (and if the answer is “the Bible” pick another one, OK? ‘Cuz that’s sort of a given.)?

3. So, um, when do you celebrate Easter?

4. What gives you peace? You know that deep down peace that just gives you that serene glow, and absolutely no shit can touch you for just a little while. That kind of peace.

5. What is your favorite article of clothing and why?

Questions for Cyn

1. What is the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to do, but were glad you did?

2. If you could own any piece of clothing, price no object, what would it be? If someone wanted to buy it from you at the shop, would you sell it?

3. Fast forward 16 years. Connor wants a tattoo. Yes or no? Would it make a difference if it was a shamrock with “Happy St. Paddy’s Day!” written in it?

4. What is your favorite candle scent? Why?

5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Questions for Sal

1. You are offered the acting role of a lifetime, one that will guarantee you fame and recognition of your peers. It requires you be away from home for three weeks. Do you take it?

2. What is a role that you dream of bringing to life, but just haven’t had the opportunity to do so yet?

3. What sort of girl do you dream of Oz marrying some day?

4. What is your proudest moment?

5. Mac ‘n Cheese: Kraft or ho-made?

Especially for Poppy…

Wanna know Linnea’s new trick? Do ya? You know you do.

She does the “Tch-cha!” sound like Dale Gribble. I kid you not. M taught her how to do it.

I think I’ve got the coolest kid in the freaking world.

Now, if you owned one of those “new” VW Bugs…

…wouldn’t you always make sure that there was a flower in the little dashboard vase?

Now, I know that there are many people out there that think the vase in the dashboard is just a ridiculous waste of plastic. Me? I love it. It’s one of those features that make me itch to own a VW Bug when my days of hauling children and strollers and diaperbags and animals and home offices around with me are over and donewith. Sadly, I think I’ll hit “Minivanhood” before I hit “VW Bughood”, but such are the stages of life (I even have a name for my Bug when/if it happens: the Bugabago, like Dale Gribble’s van on “King of the Hill”.).

The reason I bring this up, is today after my nursing home service (Service #6 in 4 days) there was a granny apple green VW Bug parked next to me with an empty vase. Now, I can understand thinking the vase is dumb and not getting it. But getting it and letting it go empty?!?! That’s a crime. Is there anything sadder than an empty vase, just waiting for flowers? Given the fact that my husband gives me flowers only when there’s the distinct possibility of hell freezing over, I can say with good authority: no. There’s not.

I have a friend (Hi, P!) who owns a Bug. She always makes sure there is something in her vase. She used to change it according to the season, and one season was represented by a lovely pink gerbera daisy. The last time I saw her, she had this fabulous sort of sparkly explosion on a stick in her vase. But the vase is never empty. I think this is why she and I are such good friends. We understand the loneliness of vases waiting to be filled.

La! La-la-la-laaaaaaa! La-la-la-laaaaaaaa…. March 25, 2005

preacherbeege will be on temporary hiatus for the Holy Week/Easter holiday weekend. Regular programming will resume next week.

PS: Imagine the subject line as that annoying 60’s “please stand by music”. Otherwise this post is just dumb. 😉 Snort. Yeah. The subject like TOTALLY saves it.

Questions for MaryBeth March 23, 2005

Girl, I didn’t forget you–just haven’t had time to sit and think up questions!

1.) What is it about your best friend that makes them your best friend?

2.) What is your greatest fear that you’ve overcome? What is the next one you want to take on?

3.) What is your favorite cheese and why?

4.) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you go?

5.) When you get angry, how do you release that anger?

Enjoy!!!!

Lethargic March 22, 2005

I don’t know if it’s because I know we’re leaving, or if it’s because it’s Un/Holy Week, or if it’s because Linnea hasn’t been sleeping at night or what, but for the last few days I’ve just been incredibly lethargic.

So, today I bought a new bra. I bought it off ebay, so I managed to not pay too much more than I would for a regular, decent bra not purchased at Target (home of the $12-Gillian&O’Malley-why-the-hell-did-I-buy-this-worthless-piece-of-crap-oh-yeah-because-it-was-$12 over the shoulder boulder holder). I had friends rave about it. That’s good enough for me. Hopefully it will uplift my spirits as well as my bosoms.

I’m working on a craft project. A step-stool for Linnea. I’m pretty jazzed about it–it’s just one of those one-step wooden stepstools. But I figured she’d love it for standing up and reaching the sink in the bathroom or going potty or even just to sit on (she’s crazy about Linnea-sized furniture). It’s going to be pink with emerald and sapphire dragonflies, some flowers, and her name. Oh. And Glitter. With a capital-G. It’s going to either be the coolest thing I’ve ever created, or the ugliest.

I’m also inventing my own poncho pattern. I found a couple for knit ponchos, bought them, brought them home and was all, “What?!?! What in the hell are you talking about???? What do you want me to do???? I don’t even know what that means!!!!” So now I’m on my own, footloose and fancyfree, flying without a net. I figure: How hard can it be to knit two triangles and sew them together? It’s not. But the stinker is going to be figuring out the neckhole. So I’m working on one in a pretty, but cheap-azz yarn for me, to get the system down before making one for Linnea in the more expensive yarn. It’s going to either be the coolest thing I’ve ever created, or the ugliest.

See? It’s all or nothing for me these days. No pressure. Either the best or the worst. That’s how I know I’m stressed. Back when I was doing my chaplaincy rotation in seminary, we had to do a personality inventory called the Enneagram. I am a 7, which most tests refer to as the Epicure. I’m basically fun loving, social, love to plan events, etc. But when I’m living under stress, I move to a 1, which is the Perfectionist. So true. When I’m under stress, there’s no middle ground. It’s either great, perfect, golden, or it’s complete shit. I find myself there a lot lately. It’s not a good place for me to be in, but I’m sort of not sure how to get myself out of it. My life IS stressful. I can’t think of a single one of my friends who are also moms who would say it isn’t. I miss having that time for myself that I TOTALLY neglected to savor when I had it. And I’m not sure how to go about lessening the stress in my life right now…moving will help, I think. Of course, we have to get through the monster stress of moving beforehand. Maybe I need to take up kickboxing or something. M has a punching bag in the basement…maybe I ought to go down there and just beat the shit out of that thing for a little while everyday. 😉

But you know what? I’m lethargic. And that sounds like it would take some effort.

Query March 21, 2005

Is there ANYTHING cuter than a freshly washed toddler dressed in terry cloth footie pajamas?!?!?

No. I don’t think so, either. 🙂

Answers to Life’s Questions March 20, 2005

So Poppy has asked me some deep, penetrating spiritual questions. So here they are, in random order.

1. I cuss alot. Am I going to hell? If the answer to this question is “yes”, I’ll fucking see you there.

2. Is it common for Lutheran ministers to do tequila shots and wear Wondergirl underwear? Hm. I don’t know for certain. I know that it is common for THIS Lutheran minister to do tequila shots and wear Supergirl underwear, sometimes at the same time, and depending upon how my week is going: it is a very common event in our household (sometimes daily). However, the commonness of such activities among ministers across the board hasn’t been heavily documented by church leadership at this time. But given the tight-assedness of so many of my colleagues, I will go out on a limb and say: no.

3. Your two-parter: what the hell’s up with Kans-ass? Is everything there really that flat? Sweet lucious Lord: I have no idea. But whatever IS up with Kans-ass, it’s way the hell up there. We’d need a superior proctologist to even begin to make a diagnosis. And no: it’s not that flat. Particularly when I was nursing. 😉 In all seriousness: Pick up the book “What’s the Matter With Kansas?” it’s an absolutely fascinating analysis of the red state/blue state phenomenon (and as far as the Kansas stuff goes: spot on as far as I’m concerned).

5. What’s the one thing you’d like to do, but God would strike you down for doing? You know, I don’t think there’s anything that I could do that God would strike me down for. I believe that God is actually a very forgiving guy. But there are tons of things that I’d like to do that for one reason or another would be considered poor form were the pastor to be the one doing them. There are some people I would love to bitch-slap…I’d love to have pink hair…I’d love to bring beer to long council meetings and not share with anyone. You know. That sort of adolescent “I-didn’t-ask-for-a-job-here!” sort of rebellion. Quite sad, actually.

4. Which kicks ass harder? Wisconsin Synod or Missouri Synod? My thanks to Poppy for pointing out I totally forgot to answer this question. 😉 And I have to say that my preference between the two would be Missouri Synod. But understand that this is like someone asking, “Would you rather have no arms or drive a Ford?” You just sort of pick the least objectionable one at the time. 😉 In all seriousness, like any denomination they have their strengths, they have their weaknesses. But I personally wouldn’t belong either (and they wouldn’t want me anyway–neither one ordains women.).

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1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond, and ask you five questions.
3. You’ll update your journal with my five questions and your answers.
4. You’ll include this explanation.
5. You’ll ask people five questions when they want to be interviewed.