It seems I spend a great deal of my time admonishing my small daughters to “Watch out!” or “Be careful!” or “Watch where you’re going–cars go here!” or “Don’t step on your sister’s face!” or “You need to pay attention to where you are, you could crash into someone and get hurt!” You know. The typical Mom drill.
I’m in this odd place right now…very introspective. I’m working some things out in my head, and once I get them worked out, I’ll probably share them here (boundaries? What boundaries? Boundaries, schmoundaries!).
But for now, what’s coming to the forefront is that I need to be more mindful. Mindful of how I treat my body, mindful of the fuel I put into it (she’s not running as well on the crap she used to run just fine on. I see this as a sign of old age…creeping into my mid-30’s doesn’t FEEL old…but it’s feeling older than mid-20’s did).
Mindful of the words and tone I take with my children, mindful that a kind direction can (and often does) work better than a time out.
Mindful of not taking out my professional frustrations on their innocent blond heads by being short tempered, cranky, irritated, and other ways of being a Mom who’s not that fun to be around.
Mindful of how and where I spend money. This mindfulness will cause the Fashion Emporium some loss in revenue. But I was struck by something Clover said when we were at her cabin, about how she hadn’t bought new clothes for herself in a ridiculously long amount of time. I used to be that way. I’d get a new blouse or new pants a few times a year…nothing outrageous. But now? It’s sort of unusual for me to go a week without buying something. And part of that is because I spend 8 hours a day surrounded by clothes that I (for the most part) really like. But when I’m mindful, I realize that as much as I WANT that new faux suede jacket with the waist detailing that would make me look so nice and skinny: I don’t need it.
I also need to be mindful that as much as I rag on myself about my appearance, there are thousands of women who would love to be my size, and have 12’s hanging in their closet instead of 20’s or 24’s (or larger–I had a customer come in who confided that she was a 5X. She could barely walk).
I need to be mindful that the way I got this body was by carrying two gorgeous, healthy, vibrant, sparkling, delightful girls through 2 pregnancies. They weren’t easy pregnancies. They took their toll. But I’d rather have this body and my Sweet Pete and my Boog-a-Roo than my other body and no kids.
I need to be mindful of how my votes will affect others, and not simply vote because I get a gut feeling, but do some research to see if that gut feeling is backed by facts.
I need to be mindful that M has needs for alone time, sanctuary, and peace as much as I do and not take advantage of the fact that he would move heaven and earth to give me what I want (much less need). I need to make sure he has the time and space that he needs, too.
I need to be mindful of the gift we’ve got in one another. Someone at work asked me the other day how long M and I had been together. I replied, “It will be 10 years next month.” She was shocked. She said, “By the way you lit up when I told you he was on the phone, I would have guessed a lot less time than that. You’re really lucky.” And I am. And he is. And we are. He is my beloved, and I take great delight in him.
Now I have to go to work. I’ll chew on this some more, I know. It’s just the rudimentary ruminations of a mind that senses that perhaps changes are coming. Do you ever get that way? You can feel that something is going to happen, but you don’t know what, you don’t know when, you’re not exactly fearful, but you’re a bit wary? That’s where I am.
So I’m mindful.